At The End of The Day

At the end of the day, irregardless of the situational pressure (meticulous planning vs senseless impulse, confidence vs hesitation and other possible determining factors), we've to make a choice.

Unfortunately, I'm not someone who is very adept at making choices. More specifically, before I make a choice, I consider the larger consequences before getting multiple subsequent opinions and after some oscillating, I'll make a choice, albeit of one with certain degree of wavering. This, of course, gets irritating sometimes because I don't like to wait for intangible uncertainties to possibly turn into credible success. There's this idiosyncratic imperative to know whether the choice is a success or failure, and not fallen prey into the grey area.

Of everything good and bad that one can possibly associated with national service, one of it is the gap year that it offers. This gap year is the one that has put me in a quagmire because it's prompting me to consider what am I to do after national service. Two things, I'm not absolute positive about what I want to do, unlike, say an architect who pursues architecture because he knows that's his path and I'm not on any scholarship bonded to any organisation so there's no distinct route that I've chosen, already.

I thought I would be happy, and should be happy with my choice of study - business. In my lofty opinion, the study of business is good in a way that it helps to lay the foundation of potential business ideas (think jargons and technical terms) and it deals with some key fundamentals of civilisation - money, trade, economy which tie in with globalisation. It creates room for financial thinking and analysis which should become more pertinent with the global financial crisis. Then again, the drawbacks are equally daunting - the nature of the degree being too general, the common question of 'why do you need to study business to do business' (think business acumen which should be intrinsic and collaborations) and how volatile the degree is in essence.

Or, I could pursue The Arts. After all, I've been studying subjects of the Arts till JC which only justifies that I'm indeed interested in the Arts. Again, in my lofty opinion, against the common stereotype that the study of the Arts has no value, I think, in actuality, it opens a lot of space to generate thoughts that are undiscovered and makes you think in a crticially manner that you otherwise might have not. It is actually in essence, finding greatness in words, interpretations and thoughts which people who are too narrow-minded to acquire. That said, I'm not particularly good in the Arts which is easily seen from my grades so it does become increasingly difficult to fuel this passion that I used to thought was unbridled and endless. Perhaps, I'm really not good with essays.

Interesting enough and possibly a hilarious joke to come, I did consider taking up Medicine. That on many level, doesn't reverberate well. First key consideration that the entry criteria for NUS Medicine is a set of stellar results compounded with non-academic achievements so if I were to present my grades, it's like me signing up for manhunt. Next, after being de-science for 4 years, I hardly can remember anything and I would like to think that the study of Medicine does need a considerable amount of knowledge, and aplitude for science (think the only pass in pure Chemistry was at O Level sitting). Also, even if I do pursue Medicine, it'll most likely be post grad which entails 2 significant problems - I'll probably be jobless for 7 years with continuous studying and who's to pay for everything?

So I ask myself, so many times, what do I want to do in the future and the things that will entail with the choice I make. And like I said, because I'm not good with making choices at all, it's a question that begets more questions. The only aspiration I've among all my lofty (for the 3rd time) ideals is to make the world a little more environmentally friendly and to give back what I've enjoyed in my lifetime to people who don't have such priviledges. Ha, which is why I'm trying my best to join the UN Youth Association although I'm meeting with some difficulties about going about how to do it but it would be great to kickstart a local youth association here.

'Time is cheap' in the context of our youth, as told by this wonderful friend of mine which got me startled and jolted me to realised how much of a sloth and perfect time-waster I'm. So, to pass this around, it's time to do something about our lives and not stop too many times.

"We all been there and came back"

A few lessons that we can take away from Grey's:

1. The season finale culminated in the unconfirmed and unexpected deaths of two of the new resident doctors and I'm still reeling in shock with this grappling twist. Among all the lessons of life, 'the good man finishes last' is one I'm rather skeptical of. The ideal way of life and the perfected human nature is to be nice to everyone, to do good and to not compromise our moral standards. Sadly, this bubble of good faith can only stretch that far and can only shelter a limited number of people for a limited number of years as we're exposed and succumbed to the worldly sins thereafter, and eventually mutate to people we regret to be when we're sallow and infirm. Having said so, since the world functions in such a practical motion, then there's no need to be a nice person in a Darwinian setting.

Comfortingly, there are two good people in the show who are genuinely good, want to do good things and always hope for good things to happen to people around them. It's a very simplistic moral structure they adhere to and they're the ones who never lost guide of their moral compasses. When they're the ones who end up potentially dying (cliffhangers!) the first raw emotion generated was 'why them?' because they should not fall tragically to 'the good people finishes last'. That said, the both of them did have their own sets of triumphs after each failure so in a way, they're the fallen heroes who will come back stronger eventually. With that, it becomes a reflection we can take from a show, not just for the pretty sake of having an ideal that will crash in face of practicality, that it is, instead, somehow possible to not lose yourself in the concrete jungle of social banters, however easy it can be.

2. Yang, by far my most favourite character in the show. She is intelligent (top student from her class at Stanford), driven (she does a lot of preparations before each day), fiercely motivated (she makes sure she answers all questions first and gets them right) and relentless (she wants everything). In a reality setting, I think that's a very credible character to go by because she always knows what she wants and she will get what she wants because she makes sure she puts up a complete and thorough fight before staging on. Of course, sometimes she lacks the tact and has offended some people along the way but I think she didn't blur the line between pursuing what's her and burgeoning selfish human nature.

She actually becomes my personal paragon of virtue because she is so strong of a person who doesn't yield or waver in face of life's circumstances, something I had always have problems with so if only I can emulate her, there're certain issues I can block off without feeling a tinge of guilt and regret. It's not easy being the person who never walks away because you feel that you're in the right but I'd say I haven't relent when I feel I'm in the right on mulitple occasions.

3. There were several poignant moments regarding marriage and friendship in the show. A striking scene was when Izzie lashed out that Meredith and Yang had this circle that no one could come though even though they're all friends, good friends for the matter. Honesty pricks in this case and truth be told, it always happens in a group or clique that some will be more inclined to one another because there's simply more connection between those individuals. On a larger picture, what's more appealing as a relevation is that beyond our insecure fumbling teenage years, we should know who're the permanent features in life who don't get brushed away with the sweeping hands of time or diminished quietly after multiple shake-ups. The coffee friends, as I'd like to term them as, are the ones who listen to your melancholic sappy cheesy stories of your life for the thousandth time and tell you you're so irritating being on repeat mode but you still continue rattling on because as Yang said "you're my person".

Marriage, being the instituition or union that I still don't believe in is presented in a less traditional and stern perspective. I respect Burke for being a firm believer that a union of two people can be out of love and this is a sustained and perpetual engine that will power the marriage for life because I don't believe in happily ever after, I don't believe that two people can wake up in the same bed for 40 years and I don't want to know the ugly truth that the initial blossomed love will turn out to be a social and personal obligation. Then, we've Meredith and Derrick's marriage that's built on freedom and choice which is slightly different, which offers more hope to the skeptics but still very romantic. Whatever the choice is, committment is a big word, literally and figuratively.

When the show ended, I didn't feel exactly empty but I think I'll rewatch some of the really good episodes especially those with the good quotes on top of the sex, sex and sex but it's show so we've to suspend all disbeliefs. At least, until the very end, it was a good show to watch, and learn.

Apart from Grey's, I think there is an issue people should read up on although my knowledge is ashamedly, minimal as well. North Korea's perpetual missiles launching and the proliferation of nuclear weapons is indeed worrying, dangerous and I'd, immoral. Nuclear weapons are of another league because the repercussions of them are not one-off, they stay to haunt. Thus, it's keeps people from resting on their laurels when we see North Korea transcending from flirting with nuclear weapons to actually constantly trying them within these few months. Some may say that countries should not even endorse nuclear weapons out of research purposes and aggressive military purposes while some may that the North is using this as a good bargaining chip to slowly tap money and resources from its negotiators who are constantly kept on their toes as the North maintains its limbo position.

It's with deep shame and only shame that the world, a common entity and place for everyone is in topsy-turvy for everything mankind can possibly have and then destroy or threaten to destroy. History, although can be distorted to some extent (again attributing to mankind), is largely not a facade. When people in power pursue more power in the name of greed, nothing good comes out of it - from the first world war to the khmer rouge to the collapse of today's financial markets. So, here we've the North, foolishly and ignorantly flashing their 'nuclear supremacy' or trying to achieve that glorified status in face of a whole plate of woes that the world cannot already handle, and it is with this blatant disregard that I feel sympathy for the Koreans who're trapped in this predicament that stems out of a person's irrevocable greed.

Anyway, on a less sombre note, I got a 2nd tutee who coincidentally is my current tutee's brother that I reluctantly accept for he's only Primary 2 whom I'm not very comfortable teaching but I'll give it a shot since it's a perfect chance to build confidence and train up for my '40 years worth of occupation next time'. And, I really like driving a lot despite the recurrent embarrassing incidents or potential mishaps but I really would want to drive my Dad's car or my own car (hehe) by end of this year. Friends (you're my people!), please show some moral support!

Goodnight everyone.

What We can't Run Away from

This weekend called for a respite from work that has frighteningly morphed itself into an imminent waging war with virtually everyone else and with a good respite comes with staying home over the weekend which offers the best getaway from now. I read the papers in a detailed manner, cleaned up my room which I proudly say was never ever unkempt, cleared up some lying mess that audaciously laid so comfortably in the kitchen and on top of this housekeeping spurred by idiosyncracies, we celebrated the youngest sister's 14th birthday.

Increasingly, I thought I was more accustomed to my work and I liked my job gradually which came as a surprise after the change of the bosses. With all the teething problems aside, my madam likes everything prim and proper which is a very comfortable working style and my doctor is a remarkably understanding person whom I'm very happy to be a pa for. The outbreak of the swine flu came at a very unfortunate timing especially when the world is in topsy-turvy with the recent financial meltdown and to bring the issue closer back to home, it highlighted the reality of the polarities of the human nature. There were incessant calls throughout the night regarding vaccine issues and while we understand the heightened sense of urgency, I thought it was very inappropriate to handle the whole issue with almost complete disregard of manpower shortages, disjointed information sharing and last minute notices. I'm actually quite disappointed to see reacting in a way as though their lives automatically took precedence over others and how human nature is soiled with almost absolute greed. Then again, I applaud some friends who handled the situation well and offer a glimpse of hope that our nature is not completely thwarted although I have this premonition that war will offcially wage tomorrow.

Saturday papers ran a lengthy article on the Khmer Rogue and I thought it was a very informative piece of History presented on print media. At least now I know the Khmer Rogue lasted for close to 4 years and claimed the lives of 1/4 of the Cambodian population in the 70s in the most unthinkable brutal torture methods with the aftermath of the tragic past focusing on the trials of the more prominent perpetrators of Khmer Rouge and the older Cambodians still reeling quietly in their unfathomable memories.

Ideology can be a very scary double-edged sword when it backfires because Khmer Rouge was a movement to create a pure and equal communist state in Cambodia and everything else that went against its ideals had to be exterminated which promptly reminds us of the Mao era. Often, when an ideology is borned, it has to be coupled with control and execution and I think that's when Communism fails because it demands absolute control and immediate execution, leaving no room for discussion and changes. It's also with regret that the mitigating factor behind a newly created ideology is the generation of ideas from a clean, untouched slate and ironically, people with the alternatives become the sacrificial objects not by choice, but by the violence of the human nature. Although my take on Communism in these petty sentences might be the greatest understatements of the year, it clearly reminds people how Freedom when compromised is one of the biggest tragedies and how History is the transcient reconciliation of the broken paths in the past.

That is why I'm still a little unsettled about this shopkeeper whom I regretted purchasing things from who said "she's a Chinese, but not the China Chinese" in the most derogatory tone and had a little pride hanging around her as she blatantly spoke. Same goes to the hoard of people who pretend to be incompletely incapable of speaking Mandarin and speaking the language requires a painful and torturous deal out of them. On the surface, it has transcended to a foolish trend to an embedded social travesty if this persists and if we push this further on, these are the people who obviously, have very effectively obscured and isolate their roots which make me wonder why they don't create a bandwagon of completely westernizing themselves and pride themselves on that. (Don't get wrong, I like some of the things the West offer)

And they say, we're in The New Age.  

All's well ends well

March called for a series of birthday celebrations the whole month and every weekend was a heck of time spent. Came up with a pretty in pink princess diary card and a box full of random princessy presents for Jason and took a million jump shots after the surprisingly good Chinese dinner. It's good that the royal inside joke never stopped after graduating from college so we could still pull off the princess gimmicks. Wee's one was slightly out of the box and running contrary to his materialistic nature, dinner was at a coffee shop (imagine his face but the mee pok was sumptuous though), got a $12 cake from a friendly neighbourhood confectionery (lesson learnt: never compromise on cakes because a $12 cake equates to 80% whip cream) and went off to our Ol' Jolly Captain's place for lodging. Btw, he gave me the tie that's filled with smileys and I really genuinely like it, although he gave it to me because he didn't want it (my captain is still a very nice person). Ah-ha, and there's was Sean's which we thankfully managed to snag a car for our food marathon that culminated inside the hotel room where all the usual things happened (tofu tofu tofu) and I thought the cupcakes surprise at Mount Faber was the best highlight. Of course, my sister's 16th birthday as well which we conveniently and sweetly celebrated at home without any fuzz.

So, rapidly (seriously rapidly), people around me are hitting the Big Two like "deng deng deng" and it's gradually creeping, or rather seeping in (creeping brings forth an air of foreboding) that I'm just a few more months shy of crossing the line and being at the other side of the border. Well, the Big Two doesn't sound very old (repeat people, it doesn't sound old) or rather, not that old so I should be fine with it; the usual practice of getting accustomed to a new change. However, there's something that's stirring remotely inside that kind of indicates and suggests that the Big Two means somethings are incoming but it's inexplicable. Haha, maybe it's not such a big deal after all.

Anyway today was supposedly to be a Family Day but except for the lunch, my youngest sister scooted off to a flea market and subsequently, my mum and the other sister are there too. Such are the the women of my household! And my dad went off for his run (I'm taking a break since I passed IPPT but ggf, I'll strive to get a god just like the big big fish!) so I'm left at home watching Grey's Anatomy, still ensconced in deep admiration for Yang. I'm starting to think I might be the most boring person in The Sims!

Just 1 more episode of Yang.

Crossing the mark

Today is my 1st year soldier mark which mathematically, means that it's 1 year down and 10 more months to go. The year long has been interwined with largely good and lasting memories, some lessons learnt, some relevations that came along the way and some disappointments to experience. What's more promient and interesting, just like what almost everyone will say, is meeting different people from completely different personalities, backgrounds, schools and aspirations; and there're really some friends for keep which you're grateful you met them.

Today, is only coincidentally when J leaves the country and on hindsight, it's humorous to recall all the name-callings and bad judgements we throw so unsparingly behind his back but gradually, I realized he's not that bad of a person, especially after the India trip. He's actually quite an individual of his own with his bold attempts at cracking bad jokes and his interest in reading work manuals so intently. Although he didn't exactly leave a legacy behind, it was quite amusing to have him around at times. Anyway, I passed my IPPT yesterday which got me momentarily delirious inside and I was so unexpectedly close to clinching a silver so that will become a motivation for the next attempt but for now, I shall wait patiently for the rather lackadaisical promotion and pay increase.

Later on, I've a BTT to clear and if I pass it, I'll have to start booking for everything that BTT opens doors for or else, I'll sense my enthusiasm dwindling again. To my dismay, I realised, or rather stop circumventing around the fact that I'm very bad with both road directions and naivgations but I think, and hope very fervently that all these will freeze and be clobbered away once I pass the eventual test in time to come. Anyway, my camp friends are more excited than me for my test later on and they actually anticipate the day I drive to camp which I think, will take a very long deliberation.

Last night, while my sister was studying for her probability test, I devoured the last 4 episodes of Season 3 of Grey's which turned out to be a splendid show. On different levels, the show resonates. Medically, although the adrenaline rush they feel each time they get their trauma cases is thicker than a flowing river than us getting a resus case, it feels exhaustingly satisfying to know that someone will be in safe hands. And, broaching a more subjective topic, their love lives akin to modern soap operas with all the ups and downs, waves of joy and sadness, jolts of temporary loss and permanent splitting and of course, the sex that ranges from romantic to predictable to secretive to wrong makes the show more appealing and has the subtle effect of broadcasting our lives on a bigger and more exggerated version. There're of course, some heartwarming and by opposite nature, heartwrenching scenes when friendships remained steadfast in face of crumbling situations, faith becoming the only floating support when the worst things happened and most poignantly, when things don't go their way which always happen on tv and in reality. But what I really like most is the occasional intellect and sarcastic banter between the characters and the aftermath of piecing the characters after smashing them into smithereens and of course, Dr Yang and The Nazi.

By comparison, I think reality tv has taken 'reality' to another dimension, a realm of stupidity, complete senseless decision and utter waste of broadcasting time and space with shows wanting to find Paris Hilton's next best friend or something along that time. Reality tv, puts people on blown-up screens and let the audience see how people react to different situations and adapt to different environments though the process, gives audience the peek of human nature and of course, reality. Naturally, since the spotlight is cast on human beings who we're, and who know are capable of almost everything, there'll be drama, high doages of drama to expect. That, will satiate the audience's drive to watch some real-life drama unfolding and gives them the platform and avenue to comment, to laugh and to ridicule. But, showing the Paris Hiltion show is beyond ridicule. It might not give a clean separation between that show and other reality tv shows since both are there to grab attention, I think the obvious distinction is that it has officially becomes acceptable that friendships can be based on superficiality and pretty dresses and idolising someone as intelligent as a rock is legitimate, fun and the new age thing to do. Good going.

Happy early weekends everyone and please, don't support Paris.